Wish me luck tonight for my performance at the world famous Ft. Lauderdale Improv at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, FL.

I will be mostly pitching Extra Virgin Olive Oil:

Read here:

http://neldeezy.tumblr.com/post/17977695767/how-i-lost-my-virginity-extra-virgin-olive-oil

For a week while in college, I visited the country of my mother’s ancestors.

The beauty, culture, and food of Italy cannot be matched anywhere in the universe, I laugh in the face of brick oven pizza purveyors around South Beach who claim to serve “authentic Neapolitan cuisine.”

My trips’ days and afternoons were filled with museums, moderate drug use, and carbohydrates.

Its nights, accompanied by two of my dorm mates, were filled with seedy bars, absinthe, heavy drug use, and copious amounts of flirting with the opposite sex.

The problem was that, without fail, we met girls from Chicago every single night for the first nine days of our trip.

I didn’t travel to Italy, to just flirt with some fake guidette wannabe Italians (I had my fair share waiting for me back home).

 I wanted to couple with real beautiful Italian women (Hygiene aside).

One of the last nights we were there, I decreed we were going to find these REAL women by trolling around the REAL Rome.

The ROB ME Rome.

The Rome without Bidets.

The Rome that would make Caesar Augustus cry out in shame/pleasure.

We were three American boys walking through the bad parts of Rome, with a chip on our shoulders and an X-Rated goal in our hearts.

Amazingly, an old man wearing a suit and a bowtie appears seemingly out of the shadows and greets us casually. 

Apparently God (or more likely the Devil) had materialized this geriatric traveler of time and space to facilitate our adolescent hunger for a Mediterranean goddess.

With a sideways grin and no distinguishable accent, he stated,

“You boys look like you want some fun, follow me.”

We were ecstatic.

Only great things can happen when you follow a mysterious old man:

That’s how I got my first bicycle,

and my first sexual experience…

We begin to follow.

He takes us to what looks like a bar, but with no signs or literature outside saying it was.

A flap opened in the door, and a man peers out to the street.

I was half expecting him to tell us that The Wizard of Oz can’t see us today, and that we’d be forced to drink absinthe until passing out in an alley for the fourth night in a row.

No words were spoken but the man in the bar let us in.

Upon entry, I had realized my prayers had been fulfilled.

Twelve gorgeous, classy looking, middle aged women were proportionately scattered throughout the place.

Not a single man in sight, except for my two dorm mates and the bow tied Demon/Angel who sauntered towards the back of the bar.

We had hit the jackpot.

As we giddily shook in anticipation, we all collectively realized that “high fiving” and “screaming in joy” was making us look like the young college tourists we were and surely was blowing any chance of laying in bed with a middle aged sexual dynamo born in one of the oldest Republics known to man.

Trying to seem mature and cool, I order a classy drink for me and my cohorts,

Give her my debit card, because I figured we’d be buying a few drinks for the ladies as we introduced ourselves.

When I received the bill, each drink was 150 Euros

Which is like $225 American…

Why did I order a White Russian?

Is there a milk shortage in Rome?

Were they jacking us because we were stupid tourists from Chicago?

I sat there looking at the bill and cursing myself for ever watching “The Big Lebowski!”

Why do I have all these stupid ideas?

 The female bartender saw my shock and slides up next to me,

She quietly and seductively whispers in my ear,

“Which girl do you want? 

I give her a blank stare, trying to calculate a perfect answer, while wanting desperately to scream out,

“ALL OF THEM!”

While I was stumbling with the thought, she spoke again.

“For one drink, you can have sex with one of the girls, but for anal or something weird, you need to buy another drink.”

I finally realized what kind of establishment I was at…

So I went to buy a double vodka and cranberry.

Suddenly the most expensive drink I’d ever purchased became one of the best values in Europe!

My dorm mate suddenly jumps in with a realization, blurting out.

“Dude, I think this place is a whorehouse.”

I was way ahead of him at that point, and acted confused.

He furrowed his brow in disgust,

“Do we look like guys who need to pay for sex?”

Almost too quickly, I answered him.

“Yes.  I look like a guy who needs to pay for sex.”

He placed his drink on the bar and motioned for us to leave, my first thought being,

“Fine, two more for me.”

As they moved towards the door, my second thought was,

“I live in a dorm with these guys.”

This story was surely going to be recounted to the residents of my dorm probably for months and possibly years to come, and the last thing I wanted was for the end of the story to be,

“Yeah, me and Dan left, but Nelio bought the whole bar a round of Irish Car Bombs and went to town on every hooker in a thirty foot radius.”

Girls who were already hesitant to get near my crotch would have the final reason to stop hooking up with me, especially since it’s what their subconscious had been telling them the entire time.

It was hard enough for me to get laid in college without being labeled

“That Prostitute Guy.”

So I left with my crew, smiling and nodding at each beautiful and distinguished prostitute face.  The things those women could have taught me.

I did manage to get “450 Euros” in “store credit” if I ever find myself in Rome and wishing for a mysterious old man in a bowtie to save me from the prison of rules called western society.

Thanks so much for reading please like my Comedian Facebook Page:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nelio/218652544824256

and message me for free tickets for my performance at the Hard Rock Improv in Ft. Lauderdale on March 7th

Got crazy at Redbar last month.

“Everyone is getting crazy about December 2012, people are building shelters.

But I’m not 100% we should be taking spiritual direction from ancient Mexicans.  I mean, I’m hispanic, we’re full of shit.  Google is our worst enemy.

Let me know when the Germans predict the apocalypse, I’ll stop paying my mortgage today.”

Nelio Cuomo Costa, Terrible Stand-Up Comedian

NelioCosta.com

This is me at the Miami Improv, telling the following stories:

Youth Sports (Might Duck Edition)

Child Porn Airplane

Dry Humping

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

How I Caused 9/11.

Have a Merry Christmas and thank you for watching and supporting my stand-up comedy career.

This is me at Stage 84 in Davie.  I love me a little bit of women vs. man comedy.  Thanks for everyone who constantly supports my stand-up.

A portion of my stand-up comedy set at the Miami Improv last month.

I owe everything I’ve ever done to somebody else.  Thanks for making it so fun.

“Parade.  I’d rather have Aids.”

and I remembered I was watching an extremely boring parade and this was how I was going to remember the dream.

But what kind of fucked up statement is that?

But it’s true, parades fucking suck.  It’s more fun to look outside at the street when no parade is going on.  On my street, you can watch a crackhead smoke crack and shake uncontrollably.  Way more fun than watching a parade.

Now, last night I went to a club and their was a rumor that a dude had an Aids infected needle and was going to poke somebody.  I’m not exactly sure why we stayed in the club, but the first thing I thought was,

“I’d watch fifty fucking parades before I got stuck with that motherfucking needle.  Fuck that.”

Here’s the plot of The Hangover 3

-          Allan is getting married to female version of himself, played by Amy Poehler or Kristen Wiig

-          The Girls are forced to have party in Las Vegas for Allan’s fiancee, who calls them the Cougarpack.  End up losing Phil’s wife.

-          Boys find way to Amsterdam, can’t find Allan’s fiancee’s hard-living uncle, played by Charlie Sheen

-          Asian little brother has quit college and become new version of Chow, has comical mechanical finger

-          Chow breaks out of prison and saves the day

-          Add Mike Tyson

-          ????

-          Gross $467 million worldwide…

Kevin is a really smart CPA that I know, but when I have my own TV Show/Channel he’s for sure going to be one of my head writers.

I just wanted to let all my Westin people know a great story of Personal Renewal!

Me and a my ops manager just checked into our hotel in Hickory. A “Sleep Inn” because great cities like Hickory, North Carolina only have a select service properties. Here is exactly how the conversation on how my check-in went.

It’s called HICK-ory for a reason.

I strolled up to the front desk weary from a twelve hours of driving and more than a few Blue Moons at the bar. The girl was not unattractive, more normal looking. Her name is Crystal (call the Sleep Inn right now if you’d like to speak with her yourself to confirm)


Crystal: Hi y’all doing?

Nelio: I’m good, I need two rooms for the night, how much is it?

Crystal: Well tonight the rate is $99.

Nelio: Yikes, can you possibly help me out.

Crystal: If you want to go buy me a purse and my son a toy than we can talk.

Nelio: You should’ve let me know before I got here. I’d of hooked you up.

(at this point I realize that I had just egged her on)

Crystal: Well you could try and get this kink out of my neck for me and I’ll knock it down to $69.

Nelio: What a provocative number. (again, like an idiot, I was egging her on)
She saw my pill container on my key and excitedly exclaimed,

Crystal: Oh my god, I have the same thing only it’s red with a larger cap, she held it in her hand.

Nelio: What do you keep in it. (I know, I’m an idiot.)

Crystal: Aspirin, I got a little baby at home, but no man, you can only imagine what I go through. You got any pot in there? I’d be down if you are.

(meanwhile, my 43 year old operations manager is looking on in sheer amazement as this conversation is taking place. Then it takes an odd turn.)

Crystal: They don’t drug test me at this job, I’ve been working here for six years, since I was 18 and I ain’t never got a drug test. The managers are kind of assholes here, I want a KIA Sportage but Rick my manager refused to cosign, I was like “god damn” Rick! You know me.

Nelio: What a jerk. (I just want to get into my room at this point.)

Crystal: Yeah, I got him back earlier today, I pulled him into his office and I was like, I have something really serious to talk to you about. He looked all freaked out, I told him “I have to put my vacation really close together because I’m about to have another baby!” and he got all pissed off and was like “you told me you were on birth control!” and I was like, don’t be stupid Rick, I told you I got my tubes tied you stupid idiot!”

(at this point I started cracking up at the inappropriate interaction but she took this as a queue to go into more similar instances)

Crystal: One time when I was sixteen, I brought my daddy in a room and was like, I need to talk to you. And daddy was real drunk, so he was like, “Baby, don’t tell me your pregnant.” And I was like, “daddy I’ve got AIDS” and he FREAKED (no kidding) and I said I was five months pregnant and the baby has AIDs too. And I told him the daddy was this homeless guy that was always hanging around the house…

(at this point I uncontrollably started to cry I was laughing so hard and my ops manager just had a blank stare of amazement. The phone began to ring and she picked it up and completed the check in.)

So what I know about Crystal is:

She has a baby
She had her tubes tied
She’s down to smoke pot
Her favorite car is a KIA Sportage
Her manager Rick may or may not be having sex with her
She likes to trick people into thinking she’s pregnant/has AIDS

Natalie Borges… you have just met your match.