Wish me luck tonight for my performance at the world famous Ft. Lauderdale Improv at the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood, FL.
I will be mostly pitching Extra Virgin Olive Oil:
Read here:
http://neldeezy.tumblr.com/post/17977695767/how-i-lost-my-virginity-extra-virgin-olive-oil
This is me at Stage 84 in Davie. I love me a little bit of women vs. man comedy. Thanks for everyone who constantly supports my stand-up.
I just wanted to let all my Westin people know a great story of Personal Renewal!
Me and a my ops manager just checked into our hotel in Hickory. A “Sleep Inn” because great cities like Hickory, North Carolina only have a select service properties. Here is exactly how the conversation on how my check-in went.
It’s called HICK-ory for a reason.
I strolled up to the front desk weary from a twelve hours of driving and more than a few Blue Moons at the bar. The girl was not unattractive, more normal looking. Her name is Crystal (call the Sleep Inn right now if you’d like to speak with her yourself to confirm)
Crystal: Hi y’all doing?
Nelio: I’m good, I need two rooms for the night, how much is it?
Crystal: Well tonight the rate is $99.
Nelio: Yikes, can you possibly help me out.
Crystal: If you want to go buy me a purse and my son a toy than we can talk.
Nelio: You should’ve let me know before I got here. I’d of hooked you up.
(at this point I realize that I had just egged her on)
Crystal: Well you could try and get this kink out of my neck for me and I’ll knock it down to $69.
Nelio: What a provocative number. (again, like an idiot, I was egging her on)
She saw my pill container on my key and excitedly exclaimed,
Crystal: Oh my god, I have the same thing only it’s red with a larger cap, she held it in her hand.
Nelio: What do you keep in it. (I know, I’m an idiot.)
Crystal: Aspirin, I got a little baby at home, but no man, you can only imagine what I go through. You got any pot in there? I’d be down if you are.
(meanwhile, my 43 year old operations manager is looking on in sheer amazement as this conversation is taking place. Then it takes an odd turn.)
Crystal: They don’t drug test me at this job, I’ve been working here for six years, since I was 18 and I ain’t never got a drug test. The managers are kind of assholes here, I want a KIA Sportage but Rick my manager refused to cosign, I was like “god damn” Rick! You know me.
Nelio: What a jerk. (I just want to get into my room at this point.)
Crystal: Yeah, I got him back earlier today, I pulled him into his office and I was like, I have something really serious to talk to you about. He looked all freaked out, I told him “I have to put my vacation really close together because I’m about to have another baby!” and he got all pissed off and was like “you told me you were on birth control!” and I was like, don’t be stupid Rick, I told you I got my tubes tied you stupid idiot!”
(at this point I started cracking up at the inappropriate interaction but she took this as a queue to go into more similar instances)
Crystal: One time when I was sixteen, I brought my daddy in a room and was like, I need to talk to you. And daddy was real drunk, so he was like, “Baby, don’t tell me your pregnant.” And I was like, “daddy I’ve got AIDS” and he FREAKED (no kidding) and I said I was five months pregnant and the baby has AIDs too. And I told him the daddy was this homeless guy that was always hanging around the house…
(at this point I uncontrollably started to cry I was laughing so hard and my ops manager just had a blank stare of amazement. The phone began to ring and she picked it up and completed the check in.)
So what I know about Crystal is:
She has a baby
She had her tubes tied
She’s down to smoke pot
Her favorite car is a KIA Sportage
Her manager Rick may or may not be having sex with her
She likes to trick people into thinking she’s pregnant/has AIDS
Natalie Borges… you have just met your match.
